Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
