So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
