God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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