I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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