What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
