You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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