i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
