His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Semen is not good for contacts.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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