Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I touched a dick in church today
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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