How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
