It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
