i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
