I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
