a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
