if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
