I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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