So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
