Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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