All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
