shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
A bitchslap is in order.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
