i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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