I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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