Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
