For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
