you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
