Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
