Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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