I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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