i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
