I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
