I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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