He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
