oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
