So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
