her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
