I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
