Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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