anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dear god my vagina.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
