i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
