What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
