Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
