My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
