So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
