porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
