Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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