the condom got lost in my hair
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
