I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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