Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
