ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
