I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He better not be in your backpack
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
